


Hijacking by Otter

by Zauzat



Category: Cabin Pressure, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Crack, Crossover, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-23
Updated: 2012-08-23
Packaged: 2017-11-12 17:51:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/494021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zauzat/pseuds/Zauzat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which G-ERTIE is hijacked by a giant otter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hijacking by Otter

**Author's Note:**

> Written for this prompt by linguini17: Douglas says "“Historically, very few hijackings have been carried out by otters.”  
> "Very few" is not "none." I want the story of one of the "very few," please.

Martin and Douglas were just going through final flight checks while Arthur pulled up the steps when there was a sudden scream from their steward. Martin jumped up to take a look. "Good God, what is that?" 

Douglas swung round to see his captain scrambling backwards into the loo as a long brown creature scuttled rapidly into the flight deck and up onto the captain's chair. It then turned on Douglas, bared an impressive set of teeth and nodded imperiously at the flight controls. 

Martin peered cautiously past the flight deck door. "Douglas, what the hell is it?"

"It looks a bit like an otter but it's much bigger than any one I've ever seen."

"Well, get rid of it!" demanded Martin. "I'm not flying with an otter in the flight deck. I've told you that before."

"Captain, I'm quite sure ridding flight decks of feral otters trying to hijack planes is a command responsibility. First Officers aren't trained for such things. This one is all yours."

"What do you mean, trying to hijack us? It's an animal. It can't do that!" protested Martin.

"It's an animal with attitude that seems to want us to fly this thing," replied Douglas, as the otter gestured aggressively towards the instruments. 

"Chaps," said Arthur tentatively. "Not to be a nuisance or anything, but there's a jeep careering down the apron towards us and they seem to be waving automatic weapons out of the window."

"Right, we're taking off. Now! Martin, see if you can dig up a human-to-otter dictionary and find out where it wants to go."

"You can't take off. I'm the captain. I'm not in my seat."

"Take the jump seat for God's sake. Just sit down and strap in. Unless you want to fight it out with Tarka's big brother there," snapped Douglas.

Martin sat down in a furious sulk while Douglas managed to pull G-ERTIE up into the air just ahead of the wildly firing occupants of the jeep.

"Well, that was a little more exciting than I usually care for," commented Douglas. "I wonder what the otter did to annoy them so badly. I wouldn't have thought it was possible for an otter to be quite _that_ aggravating."

"Well, I think it's very aggravating indeed," grumbled Martin, glaring at the otter, which flipped its tail at him and looked smug.

"I must say, I think he looks rather captainly sitting up your chair, Martin," said Douglas. "Care to lend him your hat?" 

"No I do not!" Martin clutched his hat to his chest as they both considered the otter, which was now peering out of the window with interest. 

"Now what do we do?" asked Martin eventually. As they were contemplating the question, the sat phone suddenly rang.

"Carolyn, do you think?" asked Martin tentatively.

"She's supposed to be incommunicado on that Indonesian island with Herc. And no one other than those two and us knows the number." Douglas picked up the phone carefully. "Hello, MJN Air, is that God?"

"Not quite God, I'm afraid," said a very plummy voice. "Just a minor official with the British government. Now, I believe your plane has been hijacked by a giant otter?"

"It's giant alright. How do you know?" asked Douglas.

" _Pteronura brasiliensis_ is the largest member of the _Mustelidae_ family, they are apex predators, aggressive and carnivorous. It's best to treat him with care," said the voice mildly. "Now you'll find a new flight plan has been filed for G-ERTIE, you are to deliver your passenger to RAF Northolt. Thereafter you may continue with your cargo run. Now, could you just pass the phone to the otter for a moment?"

"He can talk?" exclaimed Douglas.

"No, as an otter he can only listen, which is why I do so enjoy my conversations with him when in this form. Now, First Officer Richardson, if you please."

Douglas shared a helpless look with Martin and then held the phone carefully near the head of the otter. They could still hear the plummy voice through the headset.

"Now brother mine, I told you this unregistered animagus thing would get you into more trouble than it would get you out of, especially when you haven't quite mastered reverting back. I'll have the car waiting for you at RAF Northolt."

The otter snorted disdainfully and ostentatiously turned its back on the phone. 

"Now hang on a minute," spluttered Martin. He grabbed the phone from Douglas. "Look you, whoever you are, you can't do this! You can't just hijack our plane to deliver your uncaged carnivorous cargo to the airfield of your choice. The CAA will hear about this. Carolyn will hear about this!"

"Captain Crieff, I can assure you that Ms Knapp-Shappey will be handsomely compensated for your trouble and and any report to the CAA will vanish into thin air. Best not to let your fellow aviation professionals know you were hijacked by an otter, hmmm? Now, you may tell your steward that if no piranhas are available as an inflight snack, he'll eat anything vaguely fishy. Enjoy your flight gentlemen." The phone went abruptly dead.

Martin and Douglas looked at each other and then back at the otter, which was now lounging across Martin's chair looking bored. "What's an animagus?" asked Martin eventually. 

Douglas shrugged. "Damned if I know. Perhaps best of leave this one out of our flight logs, don't you think?"

\- THE END -


End file.
